On Dogs and Authenticity

It's a complicated, confusing world out there. I've been doing a lot of introspection about trust and honesty lately, about living my life authentically and presenting myself as nothing but wholly me in whatever circles I inhabit. I'd like that to extend to this blog, whether that means expanding its topics or writing more posts like this one which astonished and touched me with its responses and shares far and wide. This doesn't mean I'm going to be oversharing here on my dog blog, but I was reminded that what people are affected by are personal stories. While I'm dog-obsessed, I have far more diverse interests than just dogs, although I notice that dogs inform and influence unexpected aspects of my life.

Ruby and Boca have led the way with their giant ears and curious noses, opening up my world more than I ever imagined. Ruby's reactivity has given me compassion both for challenging dogs and the struggles of their caretakers. Boca's easy adapatbility and constant happiness with exactly who and where she is has given me an appreciation for the simple and the present. I can't begin to quantify the relationships these dogs have precipitated, from fellow reactive dog owners to trainers across the globe, fellow pet bloggers and my Paws on the Ground teammates who've become true and dear friends.  My road trip across the southwest with Boca allowed me both a unique time to bond with my potcake and a much-needed period of reflection and stock-taking, not to mention the opportunity to meet many of those aforementioned individuals I've come to respect and admire in person.

In navigating relationships old and new, I find we are so often doing this dance of expectation, second-guessing and self-doubt. We get wrapped up in old storylines or skip ahead in new ones. We protect others from the truth because we think it's kinder (it isn't). What I think so many of us love most about dogs is the absence of such dances. Dogs don't deceive us. We may do them the disservice of misinterpreting and anthropomorphizing their behavior but they are never anything but honest. If we take the time to understand their body language, they so clearly communicate their wants and needs, their fears and desires. They let us know when we've made a mistake and are endearingly, unfailingly willing to let us make amends. Every day, if we're listening, our dogs will ask and answer us. Last night a little girl wanted to pet Boca but Boca was more interested in sniffing the ground. The dog was still a dog, the little girl's night was still made. Ruby woofed at me while I was distracted by my phone until I got her tennis ball - the special one she found on our hike - from underneath the couch. It's a relationship made almost entirely of communication, and non-verbal communication at that! No wonder you see so many quotes and tshirts about loving dogs more than people, although I find many of them offensive.

I love people, and relationships, and deep connection. It's why I continue to write here and to reach out into this world. My purpose in writing about authenticity is to remind myself what I aspire to, along with warmth and openness. It struck me that these qualities were what so many people adored about my mom. Here is the part where I tell you that although positive training and reactivity have been a main focus of this blog, I have done very little training lately, and Ruby's reactivity is no better and possibly a little bit worse. I am always balancing acceptance and management. I've made some mistakes with the long line playing Frisbee where she's rushed at other dogs and hit the end of the line. I've since moved where we play and increased my vigilant scanning of the area to be sure we aren't surprised by people coming around corners. I'll also tell you that while I haven't been writing about it, the rescue group I belong to has saved around 150 dogs since the beginning of the year. We've had some terrible setbacks and questioned our mission and our judgment at times, but we're still here. It's what we can do: keep showing up, keep being true, maybe even pushing up against our comfort zones to be a little more ourselves than we were yesterday. 

On Dogs, Dating and Heartbreak

Because they have always been an integral part of my life, dogs have always inhabited the spaces around, in between, and in the absence of relationships. My decision to foster fail with Boca was in no small part because my long term relationship ended shortly after she arrived from her tropical island, and I couldn't bear another goodbye. In those days she spent a lot of time laying directly on my chest - a balm to my heartache - something she rarely does anymore. Make of that what you will...

After one devastating split, I spent my Christmas vacation home from college listening to goth music and painting morose paintings until the wee hours of the morning, at last collapsing in a tearful heap on my old twin bed with the family dogs: Basset hound Pansy and German Shepherd Ripley. My mom was exasperated with my bad attitude, my tender young heart's dramatic postulations, but those two dogs simply snored through my emotional swings, pressing close without judgment when I finally stilled.

I adopted my first dog in the midst of a break-up...a break-up from an unhealthy relationship that I would not have had the strength for without that beautiful being. I was embarking on a new life and in her I had a protector and confidante. Lasya taught me so much about what it means to be independent, joyful and free. Years and another dog later when I got divorced, there was no question who was taking the dogs, needy elkhound Freya and stalwart sentinel Lasya. I've lived alone for over a decade now, but it's never felt lonely with two pairs of captivating canines sharing my domicile, a house that wouldn't be a home without them.

These past two years I've been single in the most singular sense of the word. I've needed the time to heal, to determine where I've landed after more than fifteen years in a series of long relationships. I am not who I was at 20, 25, or 30...but what has remained constant are dogs. The two most important love languages for me are physical touch and quality time. It's no surprise that a life with dogs, who are perpetually waiting just to be near us, fulfills much of that need for connection. I seldom feel melancholy solitude when I have my dogs to care for, walk with and talk with. Their presence is a comfort without expectation, a cherished certainty.

Still...as much as I'd usually rather hang out with Ruby and Boca, humans crave human companionship. We are all drawn to our own kind. I've started dating again, which in itself is a fascinating experience, one that is surprising me. For someone that suffers from social anxiety, I've been astonished by how much I'm enjoying meeting new people. I cannot discount the effect that joining the pet store protest group and subsequent rescue organization that formed have had, as well as the way my virtual network of other pet bloggers and the experience of BlogPaws have bolstered my confidence and communication skills. Pets really are an introvert's armor.

In determining compatibility, my dogs are a big priority, even if not directly so. While I'm drawn to fellow animal lovers, having a reactive dog means that a partner with dogs isn't necessarily an easy fit. Ruby can't do normal, social dog things and even Boca wasn't keen on sharing her home with another dog. Although I rarely refer to myself as a dog mom, it can at times feel like I'm navigating the world like a single parent.

Scheduling can be tricky, since Ruby and Boca are home alone all day during the week, I don't feel comfortable leaving them in the evenings, at least not on a regular basis and not without some serious quality time, in the form of Frisbee, generous walks or training sessions. Understanding of my devotion to my dogs is absolutely imperative. One guy said in a message prior to even meeting "you need to figure something out with your dogs because it's going to seriously affect your dating life." You can probably guess what I "figured out" in regard to him! My dogs come first and if that's a problem we are done talking. I'm proud of my dedication to my dogs - an extension of my loyalty to whomever I love - and anyone that wants to be a part of my world will appreciate that.

From family pets to Ruby and Boca, dogs have been at my side through romance and heartbreak. They teach us so much about living fully, appreciating the present, accepting imperfection, loving unconditionally and reciprocal communication. They brighten my darkest days with their antics and affection, and bring deeper joy to single domestic life. Whether or not I find romantic love again, because of The Ginger Sisters and all the dogs that came before, I am rich in life and love and rescued over and over.

Loving My Little Life With Two Wonderful Dogs

A room full of dogs and books is my idea of happiness.

Happy Ruby Tuesday! While I don't do it on a weekly basis, my aim with the Ruby Tuesday updates is a more "old fashioned" blog post of the journaling type. Back before blogging became so popular, I had a LiveJournal account where I shared thoughts, poetry, pictures and travelogues. My account is still active, in fact, and while I don't write there regularly, I love having more than ten years of my life chronicled there. Some of my very favorite blogs lean toward the wordy, honest and personal, and so I like to have an element of that here, where I can look back on the daily details of life with Ruby and Boca, these two precious dogs that have been with me through some of the most difficult times and also at a time when I am doing some serious introspection.

Recently I said to a friend, when asked what my big life dream was, that I thought I would like to move to Spain and rescue dogs. She looked momentarily surprised, and I realized that wasn't what most people expect, especially now that I am single. No babies, no weddings, nothing very ambitious or extraordinary, but something very definitely including dogs. I'm incredibly grateful that I live in a time when that is becoming increasingly acceptable, and increasingly normal. Lately I've been simplifying, reevaluating. I'm finding that some things that used to be important to me (like fancy shoes and late nights out dancing) have fallen by the wayside, and some things I thought I'd never want (like living somewhere rural) have become suddenly intriguing. While  I occasionally hear things like I'm too wrapped up in my dogs, the great majority of my friends and family are supportive of my somewhat solitary, but personally satisfying lifestyle, and they get it when I just want to stay home with my dogs. (Either that, or I make a point of surrounding myself with only people who do).

During the week, life is largely routine, especially when incorporating the care and feeding of The Ginger Sisters into the few hours between waking and work, work and sleep. I find comfort in this routine, and waking up as I did this morning to find Ruby laying on her back, nestled into the crook of my arm and gazing up at me, is often the best part of my day. Right now my dad is living with me, and I'm blessed with knowing my dogs have company while I'm at work and can spend these warm afternoons sunbathing outside. The weekends are when the real fun happens: sitting on the patio playing ball with Ruby, making them special treats like the frozen goodies pictured above (Freezy Pups mix and Merrick PowerBites treats), walking through our little slice of wild marshland between the light rail station and the town house complex, photo shoots and silly trick training sessions, trips to visit family, outings to new places, or blissful reading breaks on the guest room daybed in the best light.

The girls are doing splendidly overall. Ruby has had some great moments (passing people fairly close on walks and not barking) and some not-so-great moments (going berzerk over horses on TV despite my efforts to DS/CC with peanut butter). I took her out for a training walk this weekend and she did very well with checking in and maintaining focus on me (which is a huge deal for her). My secret was using some of Boca's "pill cheese" - more on that in a moment - good old processed American cheese product. Her reactivity means a lifetime of management, but when I look at the big picture, I can see some remarkable changes. She is never relaxed outside, but I am seeing little moments when we are close to home where her body becomes looser and even get a tail wag once in a while. She solicits pets every evening (with very particular requests: inner thigh and back scratches).  Her relationship with Boca is beautiful to watch, and while they can get carried away sometimes with their play, I see a lot of really sweet, gentle interaction, too.

Boca remains her delightfully easygoing and goofy self - she is the first dog I've had who can happily take a nap at the vet's office. Unfortunately, we've still been spending quite a bit of time there. We had only a short reprieve from the Ocular Ordeal before she started developing an opacity in the other (left) eye. At this time it is not causing her any problems or discomfort, but the ophthalmologist is still unable to determine a cause. We are trying a long course of doxycycline in hopes that it will slow down any progression if there is a bacterial component. I'm not as stressed out about it as the first time, because at least we know the treatment/surgery route to go if it does get worse. After our appointment on Saturday, Boca and my dad and I discovered a pretty park full of little lakes and streams. It was refreshingly serene even though it was in the middle of town, and a place I could safely bring Ruby, especially on one of my Fridays off. We even spotted a huge turtle in one of the ponds!

Time seems to go by faster and faster - just like people are always telling you it will - and I want to make the most of this summer. Everything is gorgeous and green right now following our more than twenty consecutive days of rain. This weekend I hope to get a lounge chair for my patio, so I can read out there while the girls sleep in the sun. I have planted marigolds and tomatoes in containers and I am going to plant some herbs and lettuces as well. I want to scout out more places to take Ruby - taking Boca first is a perfect way to do so, and also gives me the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with her. I am hoping to attend BlogPaws in Phoenix with Boca next year, and need to be sure she is comfortable in more busy and crowded situations. We have some fun events coming up - a potcake fundraiser at a sports bar and a graduation party at a local park - which will be perfect practice! It's my favorite time of year (from now until October), and I'll be spending it with my two favorite girls.

What little things about life with dogs make you the happiest?